Writing this turned out to be so much harder than I thought it would be. I’ve been trying to figure out for days what I would like to share about myself and my views about sexuality/sexiness.
First of all I’d like to tell you that I’m half Swedish and half Chinese. Most people don’t believe me when I say that I’m half Chinese, but I’ve never looked Swedish enough to not constantly be asked “Where are you from??” either. I’m very proud of my Chinese heritage, but to have had that part of me constantly questioned has definitely been detrimental to how I view myself.
I’ve always struggled with my own identity, growing up I never really felt like I quite belonged anywhere and that has stayed with me into adulthood. My struggle with my identity very much also extends to my body image, I’ve never been able to look myself in the mirror and think “I look really good” or “Yeah, I’m a sexy mother*cker!”. Struggling with bpd, depression and anxiety for more than half my life has also taken its toll on my body and self-image. I have a plethora of self-harm scars scattered over my body and I generally don’t like to look at my naked self very much because of that and I hate talking about it even more, so writing this here is difficult. But it’s time I start being more honest and open about that part of me.
For most of my life I have had zero self-worth. I’ve never thought I’m good enough, not when it comes to my looks or my brain, it also doesn’t help that I constantly compare myself to others and how awesome they are. Being happy with myself and my body has been a struggle to say the least, but lately I’ve been trying to do some things to push myself out of my self-deprecating comfort zone ever so slightly and this photo shoot has been one of those things. Seeing myself as sexy has never even crossed my mind, most of the time I feel like a unshapely blob that sometimes manages to put a nice enough outfit on. What’s funny though is that when it comes to romantic interests I always only think that they want me for sex, that that’s the only thing of value I can offer them. That, along with my complete lack of self-worth and self-loathing and a whole bunch of other fun issues, has made my relationship with sex a bit complicated. Sex is something I can enjoy, but it has also very often left me feeling empty and has many a times made me feel even worse about myself. For a long time when I was younger, I would often let the other person’s wants and desires completely override my own and very often at the expense of my own pleasure as well. It made me push beyond boundaries I really didn’t want to cross and all because I often thought I didn’t deserve any better.
A few months ago, I finally worked up the nerve to tell my best friend that I didn’t just love him to the moon and back platonically, but also romantically (can you believe he feels the same way??! I feel insanely lucky) and we decided to pursue a romantic relationship with each other. I dare say that this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, there are still many ups and downs much thanks to my mental health issues, but for the first time I’m finally breaking out of my hardened shell and communicating my thoughts, feelings and wants with a partner and that very much includes sex. I’ve known for a long time what kind of things I’m sexually kind of in to, but I have finally found a partner I feel completely comfortable exploring that with and it feels so freeing. Finally, I’m not almost solely engaging in sex with just the other person’s desires and pleasure in mind, I’m also keeping my own pleasure in mind and daring to communicate that to my partner. We’re having fun exploring each other’s kinks and our own at the same time, who knew sex could be this much fun? This has really taught me how important open and honest communication is to having good sex, it’s not easy but definitely worth it in the end.
I hope that someday when I look at the photos Braden took I will be able to give myself a break and not pick apart everything I think is wrong or ugly about the way I look and just see a beautiful woman trying to navigate the confusing landscape of being alive.
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