I've struggled with writing this statement and at this point it's over a week late so I'm going to experiment with starting by spitting out some vulnerability: My ideal body is 100% male and 100% female. Is that a thing? What if day to day, moment to moment, feeling to feeling one could be who they actually felt like they were. The idea of being a different person on a physical level in response to different thoughts, feelings, conversations, and ideas is fascinatingly appealing. Who I am, how I feel, and who I want to be is ultimately not fully encompassed by my male-presenting body. I suppose the best label to encompass this line of thought is genderfluidity.
A week before participating in this photoshoot, my partner- in the process of cleaning out her wardrobe- picked out and gave me some of her clothes and I challenged myself to wear them in this shoot. This challenge manifested in a ten minute break in-between the first half of the shoot in my normal-person clothing (yes, I demand that galaxy leggings and He-Man memes be accepted as normal) and the second half of the shoot while I silently talked myself into putting on her (my!) shirt and sipped at coffee that I didn't need. I was nervous, Braden was reassuring, and in the end, I love it. I don't know why I chose to do this shoot other than that it “seemed like time” but I suppose for that feeling, it was worth it. So with that: “Hi. This is... me?”
I feel a little weird leaning into myself as a sexual being. More than sexiness, I feel like I tend find my space in- as I described it during the shoot- “cute dumb shit.” “That's not you” said my friend when I shared one of the more sexy pictures. Meanwhile, the picture of me (which you definitely will not be seeing) with my tongue stuck out and my eyes almost rolled back got widespread approval from pretty much everyone. Picking out pictures, I definitely gave a lot of space to the cute dumb shit, but I hope I also made space for a few pictures that are prettier, more pensive, or flat out more attractive and sexy.
If I could do it again (and I might) I think I'd push myself harder. Even though I went outside my comfort zone, I'm left with a feeling that my shoot wasn't subversive enough. Wasn't sexy enough. I don't know how to make my body do the things that would make the shoot feel 100% satisfying for me yet. But until then, I'll work on it.