Stella

You can see the rest of Stella's set at http://patreon.com/hellapositive!

Braden: I don't suppose you've had a chance to do the bio? It doesn't have to be very long

Stella: no i keep thinking about it but it's hard cause i feel so detached from the photos
and trying to think of what makes me feel good about myself is kinda like the opposite

Braden: You could write about that if you'd like
I think that would actually be really good for people to hear

Stella: i just like don't feel like those photos feel like me so it's hard

Braden: You could say that

Stella: cause then it just makes me feel bad that i don't feel better about them and i get into a self critical spiral

Braden: It's okay to feel that way, it really is. I don't want you to write anything that isn't true, that isn't what this is about.
Life isn't always sunshine and roses and suddenly feeling good about yourself. And I think that maybe I contribute to people having that impression, and it would be good for people who don't feel that to have something to relate to

Stella: yeah it just feels like
they shouldn't be on your page cause other than the presence of underwear nothing about those says sexy to me

Braden: Like, you don't find them to be sexy? Or you don't think other people would find them sexy?

Stella: both
every time you post a shoot i think "i don't want mine posted next to that one cause mine sucks"

Braden: I don't think yours sucks. I actually rather like the photo of you by the window with the knife, I think that might end up in my portfolio. Also you licking the knife, your expression is so great.

Stella: yeah but those are the only ones i really love. the other ones i like are really not like. idk. none of it is what i planned on doing and i feel super boring.
it really isn't the end of the world and i should get over it but
it just doesn't feel to me like what your project makes me feel when i read the other posts
i was dissociating and sad that day and none of my wardrobe was what i wanted and i was underweight and couldn't think straight and all of my photos are me looking mean or me staring into space

Braden: Would it be okay if I posted this chat log actually? I think it's really important for people to hear a different experience. That's actually why I started the blog in the first place, so other people can find people they relate to or learn about experiences not their own.

Stella: yeah that works.

Braden: <3 <3 <3

Stella: it kinda funny to me that as a nonbinary person who is assumed to be a cis woman that my femininity is the aspect i struggle most with. like, feeling feminine enough.

Braden: I think that makes a certain amount of sense though, like, being conditioned to meet those expectations all your life and even if you consciously reject some or all of them you still have that internalized standard that you're holding yourself to

Stella: and it isn't that i don't have things i feel good about that was just not a great time for me
and i don't dislike the photos i just don't like them as like a representation of me or how i feel about myself.