Molly

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I believe that proficiency in all things can be accomplished if you have two things: the courage to try and the discipline to practice.

My experience posing for these pictures was not what I'd HOPED for, but pretty much what I'd expected it to be. I had HOPED I would find that in the right space and the right light with a photographer I trusted to produce stunning photos, I would begin to recognize my own physical beauty and dare to try some "sexy" poses. I'm not particularly modest in terms of people seeing my naked body - I was a studio model for a number of years and performed nude in a dance piece in college - but I don't personally find bodies to be inherently sexy, least of all mine. Sometimes I wonder if I speak really openly and casually about sex in order to conceal the fact that I'm actually pretty self-loathing about my sexual expressiveness.

Sexiness, as I experience it, lives somewhere in the spaces between postures, behaviors, and attitudes, but depends heavily on comfort and confidence. I find that the moments when I find people to be the most sexy are when they are nonchalantly discussing something they have created or are particularly skilled at, not to boast but because it is an area of comfort or a passion for them. It's what they occupy their minds with, and they light up sharing it with anyone. They can be wearing anything, standing, sitting, or lounging anywhichway, with food on their face and their hair a wreck, but they are not thinking about anything in that moment except that exchange. They are sexy precisely because they don't know any other way to be.

But sexiness in its more commonly used sense, associated with physical attributes and the more "come-hither" behavior that people seem generally to react (positively) to, I find almost always discomforting. I think this is primarily because I both admire and are jealous of people who can act sexy. I want their skill so badly but lack the courage and desire to try, let alone practice. To be fair, this is a relatively new and growing resistance; I used to "practice" being sexy with the aid of a little (a lot) of liquid courage, but it only brought me immediate physical gratification and unhealthy relationships. That feedback loop has convinced me that if I have to act sexy in order for someone to find me desirable, that person doesn't love the me I'm comfortable with.

But.

I WANT to be more comfortable embracing my own brand of sexuality rather than begrudging those who already do. I empathized with a previous blogger who feels like her photos aren't as sexy and don't belong among the other sets on this site. However, being photographed and choosing photos for this helped me understand more about why I find what I find sexy and how I could enter back into that mindset so that as I practice, and with every future photo, I can feel sexy, as me. I expect that it will include more dancing and more props :)