Star

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Hey Everyone I’m Star.

Tl;dr I’m a chaotic good doggo femme, workaholic, who realized it’s okay to love the crap out of people and have multiple flavors of “me”.

Getting ready to go out or go on a date is when I tend to feel my sexiest. Despite my theater kid days dying out in 10th grade, getting dressed to go out is like “Lights! Camera! Action!”. I feel like I get to try on a new heroine each time. That character, role, or whatever, they’re still me—just a flavor of me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not role playing every date, I’m just highlighting specific parts of my personality—and I have an expansive personality with a diverse background and history.

When I’m preparing for a date, I’m excited to think about my look, what the other person is into, and if there is no other person, then what I’m into for the night. I like to excite and please—seeing other people’s passions make me happy. If I get a date in advance, I try to wear their favorite color. It’s silly but a fun ritual I have developed. (P.S. Why do so many men like maroon?) Even on the date, I love to play it up and fill the role that is left open—as long as it stays true to who I am. I’m not going to act in a way that is not me. That said, if the person I'm flirting with is expressing interest in the adventurous side of me, I dive into that part of me… or if they're super into maybe a more mysterious artsy type, I will love living out myself in this way.

This is something that's gotten me into trouble when I date or meet someone who doesn't like to play around. I’ve been with people who expected me to have the same flavor, the same attitude 24/7 and if I tried to engage my more aggressively flirty side, romantic side, nerdy worker side, or child-like adventurer, they made fun of me and told me “that isn’t you”, “that isn’t sexy”, “stop trying so hard”. When I heard that, it hit me hard because I wasn’t trying anything—I was just being excitable, kooky me, and engaging in parts of my personality I liked—just a bit more focused. I’m glad I didn’t listen to them and subdue these parts of me.

The truth is that there are a lot of “me”s and they're all ME. I have a lot of flavors, and while I might usually be lying in bed, doing work on my computer, eating girl scout cookies in a face mask and a onesie, there's explorer me, sex-fiend me, shy and quiet me, dominant me, submissive me, lots of “me”s where one part sticks out the most. Some, I like to play with more than others. I think this is probabaly true of everyone, but my flavors come out bigger since my personality is considered pretty damn big. I do not wish to be shoehorned into just the first flavor that person meets for the rest of our relationship. I am what’s natural and fun for me, and sometimes that alters. I identify strongly with my womanhood, so often times the flavors of me I like to be in are fairly gendered, and fairly feminine but that doesn’t make them any less complex or exciting.

When I meet a partner who likes to engage with a certain flavor of me I love to play it up. It’s like when someone tells you that they like the same unheard-of band you like—and you find yourself listening to the whole album on the way home with a huge grin on your face, feeling like you’re reliving those days in high school when you first found out about them. Finding someone who is willing to accept and play with me in that way on multiple levels is really the goal. I’m really imaginative—and though my workaholic-ism hides it—I’m an adventurous soul that loves all the shenanigans that come with enjoying playing a trait or a role of mine in a night, and really allowing other people’s multiple flavors to liven it up. I love connection and eye contact, high-passion conversations, and high-passion, intimate relations. I don't usually feel sexy alone, but I don't really think about sexiness when I'm alone. I think about feeling powerful, safe, or strong; all of those things can be sexy when you look inward. These are important traits that can feel extra sexy later if I decide to play up one of those flavors, feelings, or traits with another person.

I got/get a lot of crap from people who believe I need to just focus on myself, that I date too much, or that maybe I'm a huge flirt because I'm not happy with myself or have low standards. They seem to think that I should be alone to find myself or whatever the advice of the day is. Truth is, I've always known I'm a pack animal; frankly there is nothing wrong with that. I can support myself, that's sexy to me. I have a lot in my life to offer other people. I think that's sexy in other people so I think maybe… having a pretty cool life that I can invite others into… and having the space to take care of things if I need to, and maybe take care of others… that's pretty damn sexy in me too. (Altruism and activism turns me on, yo)

I read somewhere a long time ago that Vikings recognized heroics and honor as having different understandings in how they were achieved per gender; but despite their differences, the heroism and honor still held the same esteem in the culture. They viewed giving birth, maintaining the home, and keeping care of the finances as super bad-ass things and the fact that those were scripted female jobs didn’t mean they were just lady chores it meant that ladies were bad-ass for doing. Just as bad-ass as kicking down doors and taking names or whatever Viking males supposedly did, and they used the same adjectives and words to describe this bad-assery—thus not differentiating its worth between the genders or the types of gendered actions.

Now, I don’t know if any of this is true—but I love the idea of it. That in my own way, my effeminate nature and my womanhood can be strong, sexy, heroic, and honorable at the same level as everyone else’s, despite doing different activities. When I am in an environment that accepts and recognizes this sort of idea among people of all types and/or genders, that acceptance also greatly increases the amount of awesome, sexy, attractive, and good I feel overall.

I guess my point is that your social bubble and culture can play a role in how sexy you feel, and that can be rough, but we can also influence our culture and seek out the bubbles in which we are accepted and help those to thrive.

It’s okay to recognize that others can play a part in how sexy you feel. I think about this often and it’s why I love to do what I can that I know helps my friends and/or loved ones feel sexy. If they are into it, I love to make them feel sexy and attractive. While it’s a balance between your personal bubble and social bubble, I think they both have positive value in one’s sexiness-journey. I found I had to make my peace with myself and with my social world.

I want to leave with one more note on this:

It’s okay to not want to be alone, and feeling lonely or bored when you are single does not always mean that you are “looking for someone to fill a hole”, “feeling incomplete”, or “not a complete person” if you aren’t always necessarily happy to be single or alone. There is a lot of good fun to be had by yourself, but it’s okay to accept that you might be a pack animal too, and that you are simply happier with a single partner, or multiple partners in your life.

Once I stopped internalizing all this self-negativity and stopped talking down to myself for wanting to have someone intimate in my life, I was honestly able to enjoy being alone more. I stopped calling myself “needy”, or “emotionally needy”; things like “a serial dater” or “serial monogamous”. I stopped projecting societal assumptions I heard on TV onto myself. I stopped thinking that because I had heard it or read it somewhere before, I was things like “slutty”, “clingy”, “needy”, or “boy-crazy”. You know, I have dated a lot of people and the only people who ever called me those things in my life… were me when I was sad at myself. I realized the only thing keeping me from feeling “complete” and “attractive” was that I thought I was supposedly “incomplete” if I wanted connection this badly because of some stupid societal stereotype. Learning to let it go was the best thing that ever happened to me—and some of my friends. I like connection so much because fun, sexy, positive connections are fucking awesome when safe, respectful, and well-begun with a grin.

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