Ellie

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My name is Eliza Biehl, but I typically go by Ellie. She/Her. Bisexual since birth. Manic pixie dream girl. Exploring polyamory with some really wonderful people. 

In November of 2014, I wrote a haiku. Looking back, it feels weirdly out of place in my life now, and I don't recognize it as a representation of my own feelings.
"Being used for sex
it feels extremely normal
like a bad nights sleep"
I'm trying to think of how I felt during that time, still a teenager with her own ideals of how romance and sex would work. I often thought of polyamory, but dismissed it as an unrealistic option.  Sex just felt like the first step towards a relationship for me, which is already not very typical. The first step? There were many times where my partner didn't see it the same way; that it didn't mean we were romantically interested in each other, and that was hard for me to realize. I felt blindsided by people not wanting more from me, and that made me feel used. I don't blame those people anymore, as I know I was using them just as much. I'm glad that communication has become such an important part of my sex and romantic life because oh boy were these confusing times. The poly community has helped me immensely with this; there's such a huge emphasis on communication  with your partners and others in the polycule to make sure everyone is comfortable, and its been lovely finally having an outlet for what I've felt for so long. The desire for multiple sources of love, new people, and new experiences. And with all of this, I've just come to accept  how I feel about sex. Sex is a very freeing thing, when done with the right people. I think it should involve a lot of laughter, and occasionally bad jokes. What did I think sex was back then? And what have I learned since then?

I used to think that having sex and being naked was the bubble that feeling sexy existed in. In my daily life I adopt an extremely femme style where you can definitely see the signs of my love of anime. I love my itabag (a bookbag covered in different buttons and charms), pastel pink, and all things soft -- but this isn't what I would have considered sexy. The word feels out of place in my life.

I consider myself attractive, my self image is not hurting these days, and that makes me so incredibly happy. It tooks years for me to fall in love with myself. But I think part of the reason I was so excited to do this photoshoot, was to find the space in which I felt sexy, and start to see myself as that.
And it worked, in a way I didn't expect. I see these photos, and I see the way that the friends I've shown reacted. I still see myself in them, which is more important than recognizing myself as sexy. I like the way I laugh, and the way I look at myself, and how I know the best parts of my own body. I feel so very sexy in them, but also still very adorable.