I am a queer human who uses they/them pronouns. I love many other humans in different ways, and am currently non-monogamous. I love my partner, as well as several other close peeps who all fit into my life in different capacities. I am a proud submissive control-whore, with some fairly masochistic tendencies.
In the rest of my life, a few other aspects are very important to me. Firstly, I love all that is science, with a particular soft spot for rocks and chemical reactions. I also am a total geeky table-topper (although, as mentioned, a total bottom in the bedroom). Outside activities are the best. Finally, I am very adorkable. Very.
I like lists and bulletpoints, so here is a list of my favourite things about myself:
-My butt: It’s pretty cute.
-My hair: So soft, so short, so utilitarian, so grab-able.
-My green eyes.
-I squeak and eep.
-I'm a snuggly cuddler.
- My willingness and enthusiasm to try new things (in and out of the bedroom).
For me, I don’t connect with the word sexy. It just has too much of a relationship with the certain mainstream white culture standards, and it makes me feel icky and pressured to be a certain way. Maybe one day, I’ll reclaim “sexy", but for now, it isn’t happening. But…..
I AM BADASS. I AM CUTE AND ADORABLE. I LOOK GREAT. I AM ATTRACTIVE.
So what makes me feel attractive and great? A shirt and tie (and vest): I feel smart, powerful, knowledgeable, and in my own skin. Also, wearing boxers or shorts without a shirt: there is just such a seductive tease about the line that goes from clothing to skin on the waist and a freedom from the restraints of a shirt. Mmmmhm.
However, more than anything above, my interactions with other people make me feel sexy. Especially when I know they are attracted to me. I am a person who is very reactionary to feeling sexy. Oftentimes I will go about the world forgetting there is such a thing as feeling sexy; I will feel good and confident, but not sexy. This ties in with not pondering or being driven by sex when I have no peeps around. This is not always the case, but quite often. However, when sexy people are there with me…. And there is snuggling and kissing; then I’m like, oh yeah, sexy times. I like sexy times. Let’s do these sexy times.
I’ve always felt weird and guilty about being more of a person who gives reactions when things are done to them, as opposed to seeking out reactions and getting aroused by pleasing one’s partner. But it seems to be working out for the most part with the people I’m with, so…. *shrugs*. Maybe it’s the way I am, maybe it’ll work itself out in the future. The only exception to this seems to be in consensual submission. I get a huge kick out of doing what I’m told by the other person I'm subbing with, and pleasing them. Being told what to do (in words or otherwise) is so satisfying and wonderful. My brain turns off very quickly and completely, and I love being in this head space with people I trust. Physical control and restraint is also huge for me. Also ropes. Just even the feeling of them running over my skin. Gah, it feels so good!
I love that it’s never too late to discover bits and pieces about yourself. Exploring and finding out new things about oneself is really exciting. Although sometimes it is hard, I try not to judge myself for what I’m into or my identity. It’s always nerve-wracking and terrifying, but I try not to let it impede me from asking for something I want to try. It’s scary to put yourself out there, but it can be so worth it.
Sometimes, people (like me) have ideas of what we want to be, and it isn’t meant to be. I so badly wanted to be a kinky switch (just like my ambidancing), but after several times of trying out topping in different situations, I found that it just doesn’t work in practice as well as it does in my head. I've learned that letting go of bits that you want yourself to be but can't is important, but oh so hard.
So what have I learned (and am still learning), that I would encourage others to experience?
Explore. Discover. Fail. Succeed. Laugh. Cry. Gain. Lose. Love.
(Check out their entire set at http://patreon.com/hellapositive. A measly cup of coffee helps support more rad sexy inclusive art being put into the world.)