Words I live by: I am a flawed, hot mess of continual growth, and perfect in all of my imperfection.
If one were to ask me what made me feel sexy a year ago, I would tell most likely say lingerie, dressing up in something strappy, lacey, revealing, and accenting my so-called “assets.” This was based on how I wished to be perceived as sexy rather than actually feeling it.
There was a long time (embarrassingly long -- read: most of my life) when I did not feel sexy unless I had external validation and/or gratification. This meant I dressed up for others in whatever they found pleasing and could not feel a sense of sexiness until they said I fulfilled their needs. I was a shapeshifter. A chameleon. Your “greatest fantasy.” Not being true to my inner self or desires, I was an empty shell, trying to fill a void I did not realize was there.
In sitting with my authentic myself, I began to ask “what do I want?” This seemingly small question shattered my illusion of self and began my really intensive self exploration. It was as if my building had been demolished and I got to build anew, foundation and all. With this, I have had the pleasure of finding my boundaries, my true turn ons and “fuck yes” moments (as well as my “fuck no's”) and have learned that all are valid and should be explored. I have been able to express myself in all its facets- my wildest kinky self indulging in being a masochistic sub, my whimsical self enjoying the play and laughter that comes with appreciating life for its Little moments, loving and sweet, dark and animalistic -- all of it makes up who I am and none of it is for anyone else but me.
Fast forward to now! I feel most sexy when I am at one with myself. Rooted. This happens in many different forms and depends on my mood, the context, and what feels right in the moment. I am the most empowered when I feel uncaged, unhinged, and unapologetically me. When I feel so, it transfers into loving others in this way: giving wholly, loving ridiculously, and feeling free.
I feel sexiest and fully in my freedom when completely nude or out in nature. I find excuses to be naked with myself and others. It is important to feel comfortable in my skin and own every curve, freckle, and scar. When worlds collide and I have the pleasure of being in the buff *and* with mother nature, I feel like an unstoppable Goddess.
Recognizing and doing the work around this has been life changing. I have taken ownership of my life, my desires, and my body. Truly exploring and allowing myself to do so has shown me the depths of me, and I am certain this will grow and change with time -- as I'm sure I have only scratched the surface!