Loud. Opinionated. Energetic. Awkward. Silly. Creative and kinda Nerdy. These are just a few ways I would describe myself. But not... Sexy...?
I've spent a lot of time feeling convinced those are bad things. Unattractive things. And most certainly not sexy things. I've never felt sexy, if I'm being honest. But, I have always wanted to feel sexy. I did all sorts of things to try to feel sexy. I tried make up, whatever clothes society deemed "sexy", different fashion senses generally, hairstyles, accessories, attitudes. I tried seeking it out from relationships and sex itself. Spoiler alert: None of those things made me feel any sexier. But if there is something I did do consistently throughout that process it's that I wasn't quiet about what I did, I was opinionated about what I did, I poked fun at times, I sought help, I shared stories about what I tried, I was fascinated by it, I was silly about it, all while enthusiastically, and sometimes less enthusiastically, pushing myself.
I also researched, laughed, cried, criticized, analyzed and over analyzed what I did. I felt bad, anxious, confused and frustrated about it. I felt empty and sad about it. I assumed everyone had already figured "it" out and I was "behind". All my female identifying friends were *soo* much sexier, and doing it *soo* effortlessly. "I'm not doing 'it' right", "why do I feel so bad", "something's wrong with me", said negative brain. Turns out this was something I struggled with in a lot of other areas of life... Welcome anxiety and depression. It only took some odd 20 years to understand how internally and constantly at war with myself I was and how I desperately tried to hide it from the world... and myself. Another spoiler alert: people could tell. Sure, I did spend a lot of time trying to be someone I wasn't. But I had missed the point of all those experiments. It wasn't about *what* I was doing. It was the ability to try any of those things. To fucking go for it no matter how tormented I was on the inside. To try things that felt uncomfortable and do them anyway, when maybe others wouldn't have. Today, I'm still just going for it no matter what, but there are a lot less internal battles. "Fuck yes", or "Fuck no", my brain says now. I think that's called confidence. Something I wish I'd known sooner in life.
Today, that confidence has meant accepting the different parts of me, including the darker sides with the fun and freer sides of me. Yes, I am loud. Yes, I will tell you how I feel about many things when given the opportunity, Yes, I do go to Star Wars conventions by myself. Yes, I am a little bit awkward. Yes, I am ridiculous sometimes. And Yes, I do struggle with my own internal voice. And Yes, I do overwhelmingly feel bad about seemingly benign things sometimes. And Yes, that struggle is very real and often times hard but I *am* working on it and improving. While they may be a work in progress, these other "less than" parts of me do not negate me as a person or the other awesome things about it me. Today, the ability to accept *all* parts of me has allowed me to be my most unapologetic self ever. And it's the sexiest I have ever felt in my life.